Sleep and the need for it is often in the news lately. You probably know about the effects of inadequate sleep and why sleep is essential. In case you don’t, here are some consequences of inadequate sleep: Decreased enjoyment, decreased mental alertness, poorer planning skills, more impulsivity, more emotional reactivity, poorer judgement including moral judgement, and susceptibility to illness.
So, why aren’t you getting adequate sleep? You might have insomnia. If so, I will talk about that in another article, Part Two of this Series on Sleep. In this article, I want to focus on those of you who CAN sleep when you want, but who are not wanting to sleep or not wanting to go to bed on time.
One of the most commonly cited reasons my clients give for not going to bed on time is “I don’t want to get up and go to work.” Often, that objection occurs when my client is working too much. How many hours per week are you working including homework? Those who work much more than 40 hours are the same people who don’t like to keep track of their hours because they don’t want to know how many hours they are actually giving to work. If this is you, I can suggest keep a log for one month of the number of hours you work, including any homework. If you are not working too much, but you don’t want to get up and go to work, at least most days, it might be time to do some soul searching about that. Are you unhappy in your role? If so, why? Do you have dissatisfaction at work that you are avoiding addressing? Do you have conflict at work that you are postponing addressing? Are you aware on some level that this job is not for you but are not ready to take steps? Is it time to consider finding a new job or even a new vocation?
Another statement clients make who won’t go to bed at a reasonable hour is “I have trouble falling asleep. So, I stay up ’til I know I’m super tired and can fall asleep quickly.” This strategy is not a good one. As mentioned above, I will talk about insomnia in the next article. In the mean time, I can suggest find another way to become tired! Yes, you know where this is going…Move your body more. If you are exercising regularly, in most cases – unless there is something else going on – you will be tired enough to fall asleep within 15 minutes or so. If it is not worries or troubles keeping you up, but you are not falling asleep within 15 or 20 minutes, you are likely not moving your body enough!
Equally common is FOMO – fear of missing out. Sometimes clients are hungry for more time with their spouse or their family or the rest of the family is staying up later having fun together and they are missing out on the fun. I personally like this one and think it is the one of the best arguments! I want you to have fun, too! How can you arrange to have more of it with your family in such a way that you don’t have to deny yourself a basic biological function in order to get it?
Trauma. Some clients have had trauma as a child or adolescent that occurred during sleep hours. Get therapy for that. Some others had trauma growing up that occurred around bed-time. For example, an alcoholic parent being drunk then or parents arguing then or a family member agitating and upsetting the household routinely in the evening or near bed-time. If this is you, same: get therapy for that.
Another commonly stated objection to going to bed at a reasonable hour is “sleep is a waste of time.” Predictably, this is commonly stated by workaholics. When we unpack this statement, it usually turns out that not only is this client neglecting his or her sleep, but that the person is neglecting several areas of life by over-working. Usually such people realize they are not living the way they wish to and through working on it in therapy, they make significant changes in several spheres of life, not just their sleep habits.
Another one of the most commonly stated reasons my clients name for not going to bed at a reasonable hour is that they are having a productive spell and want to take advantage of it. Usually this is coming from clients who work from home and have some difficulties with regulating their moods and/or energy levels. They wish to maximize the periods they see in which they are getting a lot done. The trouble is that staying up late only serves to confuse your brain, which wishes to be in some kind of pattern like the circadian rhythm we as animals seek.
This leads me to the last difficulty I will discuss: clients who have never had what we in the health field good sleep hygiene. That is, they have never learned – often going back to adolescence and sometimes even to childhood – to have good sleep habits. If this is you, maybe you never had a bed-time and were allowed to go to bed at various times. Then, perhaps you continued that pattern in college (who sleeps properly in college?). And, now, you still don’t know how to go to bed on time and so your brain and body have no idea when and how to settle down. This is very unfortunate because not only is the quality of your life being affected but so is the quantity of it! Researchers are learning more all the time about the effects on health of inadequate or poor sleep including the ability to fight disease, brain functioning and dementia, heart health, and longevity.
How to Figure Out Why You Aren’t Going to Bed on Time
- Determine how much sleep you need. Notice how many hours your body takes naturally, such as on vacation.
- Keep a sleep log and journal. Chart your bed-time and wake-up time for 30 days.
- Make a note the next day as to how tired or rested you felt, most of the day.
- Every time you think perhaps you should be going to bed, but you are deciding to stay up, write down or text yourself a message with a brief statement of your decision to stay up, what you are feeling both physically and emotionally, and why you are choosing to stay up. Do this for 30 days.
- After 30 days, study your sleep log and your sleep journal messages and notes to yourself. What patterns do you notice? What themes emerge?
- Decide if there is anything that you wish to change.
- If you do not wish to change anything, it is okay. You are not yet ready.
- That’s fine. Repeat the log and journal technique for 30 days again. See where you land.
When you get tired enough of being tired, you will change something!
All My Best ~
Dr. Lisa Seropian