When therapy clients bring up shame in session, they broach the topic in a tentative, somewhat shrinking, small voice. I want to address it as soon as possible. The reason is because it tends to be a hidden obstacle, dominating the other emotions in a powerful, yet shrouded way, and impedes progress, especially progress healing from the deepest, most painful emotions. It confounds the therapy work, also, in that it causes a folding in on oneself, not only preventing access to the more tender, vulnerable parts of oneself but also causing more shame for the feelings they are experiencing during the therapy work. So, it is continuing to do its damage while the person is working on healing! Shame is also more challenging than some other emotions we work on in therapy because of the global nature of it. It is ever-present in the background, like on operating system always running in the background. I might think of it as a combination back-pack weight and straight jacket device, at once weighing one down and also restricting one’s movements.
I enjoy doing shame work. One reason is that it heals faster, in my observations, than other emotions. People become sick and tired of carrying it around. When they see for themselves how heavy, useless, and corrosive it is, they are eager to lay it down and do so readily. Their feelings of lightness and relief are immediate and palpable. Sometimes they are ready to let it rest (until it re-surfaces) after just one or two sessions and turn their attentions to other concerns.
How do we get at the shame once it surfaces? The treatment usually involves going back to the earliest experiences of the shame, which are often from pre-school or kindergarten age. From there we work on what the perceived violation was. Kids have an innate sense of justice. Even a very young child recognizes when an injustice is occurring, for example, if a human or other creature is being treated unfairly. So, we work on early incidents in which my client felt shame, exploring what was occurring around them, what realistic age-appropriate expectations are for a child that age, and what was NOT their responsibility. Children tend to over-attribute to them-selves, including with cause and effect. They tend to blame themselves for events outside of the sphere of their responsibility. And, in their just-world view and broad trust, if they are shamed, they take that in wholly, believing the messages to be true. Shame does not go away until it is addressed.
So, we look at the remnants of those experiences. We explore what they were invited to feel at the time and what beliefs and conclusions they made about themselves. We study the feelings that come up now and what beliefs and self-talk continue to happen. This is hard work. To name feelings and put words to these early experiences is hard because these experiences typically occurred before the child had much language for emotions. So, the memories were laid down pre-verbally. The work is not only hard, but painful.
Throughout the process, I urge my clients to notice what is happening in their body. Paying attention to body sensations helps people learn more about their shame and what sort of space it is taking up in their life as well as in their body. They learn to use their body as a gauge for their progress and an alert system for the presence of shame (and other emotions). For example, as they let go their shame, people commonly report feeling lighter, freer, moving more easily, and breathing more easily.
As with most large pieces of work we do in therapy, there comes a process of grief. People grieve what that child experienced. They feel pity for that child, and the the pain and the aloneness suffered. Next people move on to feeling angry. They realize they are angry that they were shamed and that they carried their shame for so long. The anger is more intense when the relationship with the parents is still poor and/or when the parents have not or will not acknowledge having made mistakes. Also, part of the grief process is that clients typically wish they had discovered therapy sooner. There is a period of grieving opportunities lost as a result of shame holding them down (or back). (The wish to have learned about oneself sooner in my experience is an almost universal part of the therapy process.)
Finally, along this grief journey, there is a phase of letting go and making peace. if this sounds similar to grief from the loss of a person, it is. The child lost the lightness, innocence and freedom he should have had and instead had the harsh, painful, heavy feeling of shame. That child needed protection, failed to receive it, and paid a hefty price for that mistake. That is a loss that must be grieved in all its fullness.
The process is intense. Maybe to help cope with that, I have noticed the progress tends to go in a step-wise fashion. People will do some work on their shame, get some relief almost immediately, feel much better, at least regarding their shame, and then go on to work on other emotions or problems. Later, shame resurfaces and they work on it more and gain more relief. And, so on.
What You Can Do
Do some noticings: Keep your eye out for when, where and how you notice a piece of shame coming up for you. Stop what you are doing and write down what you are noticing in your emotions. Next, record your physical sensations. Do you feel tight, heavy, small, not enough air, or something else? Make sure you are breathing fully while you do this noticing exercise. If you are okay with proceeding, see if you can trace when you felt this way as a child. If there are many such times, try to choose one of the earliest and focus on it. Notice what blame, guilt, or responsibility you are putting on yourself. Do you want to keep it? If not, what would you like to do with it? What other space can you create for this piece of shame? Try to move it out of your body, either onto the page, or a space somewhere else in your house or yard, down the street or far away. For example, write it out on a piece of paper, tie it to a rock, and cast it into a pond. Whether you can or cannot trace your shame to some early experiences, it is okay. The important thing is you have begun a journey.
What else can you do? Get bigger! Since shame causes us to get small, go do some things that allow you to get bigger or to feel bigger. Expand the space you use. Get big by stretching large in yoga class. See how much space you can fill. Stretch in the bed when you awake or on your living room floor and see how large a space you can cover. You might also enjoy getting bigger in size! Go work with weights and watch your muscles grow or at least become more toned up and stronger.
Do something to feel bigger by doing something you are good at. Do something that’s a little challenging and savor your feeling of pride and accomplishment. Embark on a dream, however big or small, of something you always wanted to do, making yourself bigger by expanding your horizons!
Expand your presence in a new way in a relationship, whether with your mate, a friend, a work-mate, or an acquaintance. How can you show up in a new way or a bigger way?
Expand yourself by your interests. Pick up or return to a hobby, early love or interest and claim that as part of you. Connect with facets of your self that are true. Finding and claiming true parts of you is an antedote to shame which is a feeling based on old, untrue assumptions, beliefs or lessons.
How do such activities help with shame? These actions can help you align with your self, your core self. Shame and the shrinking creature you feel like you are when you are in your shame do not comprise you or define you. Your shame is a passing emotion you have felt. It is a part of your history. It need not be a part of you.
If you have thought about or done any of the things in this blog article to work your shame, congratulations! You have at the very least become curious about yourself. And you have done some tough work. So, that means you are a good candidate for therapy to work on it more! If you want to do that, call me. I would l like to do that work with you.
All My Best ~
Dr. Lisa Seropian
www.drlisaseropian.com