I deal with feelings every day. As a therapist, they are my bread and butter. I never tire of hearing all the lessons people have learned, explicitly and implicitly, about emotions, both what to do with them, and what not to do with them.
Here are some of the most common injunctions about emotions I hear from my clients:
- Don’t feel
- Don’t show your feelings
- Don’t talk about your feelings
- Don’t let your feelings get too big
- If you feel, you might get out of control
- Don’t react to my emotions with your feelings
- Don’t make decisions based on feelings
In therapy, many people assume emotions are bad. They treat them as garbage that needs to be removed. At the very least, they view them as an obstacle in the way, a nuisance to be rid of, or an irritant to be smoothed over. Some people view them as a threat, some kind of menacing force, like a troll hiding under a bridge, waiting for an opportune moment to take the passer-by down.
In reality, emotions are gems. As I tell clients, they are like the icons on your car dashboard. They provide valuable information, in this case, about you. The uncomfortable emotions, in particular, alert you to something in you – or in a relationship – needing your attention. We can learn a great deal about ourselves by heeding the warning and paying attention!
Feelings need to be valued and honored. They are not the train engine; they don’t get to drive the entire train. But they indeed have much power, both to move us, and, if uncontrolled, to destroy us or out relationships.
They have the power to heal. That is why they are my best friend in the therapy room. They can be your best friend, too, but only if you treat them with respect and honor.
Why then do people do so many brutal things to their feelings? In addition to whatever they learned from the adults when young, I suppose the answer is that they hurt, a lot. Here are some of the most common things I see clients doing with their emotions, at least with the more uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, anger, anxiety, loneliness, desperation, panic and hopelessness:
- People stuff them. They shove them down far.
- They numb them out, anesthetizing them with alcohol, cannabis, food, or digital information/digital entertainment.
- They compartmentalize them, placing them in a box which shall be kept mostly closed, hidden or rarely visited.
- They quash them and try to kill them off, telling themselves “I should be over this by now” or “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”
- They minimize or deny them.
- They belittle themselves whilst trouncing on their feelings, calling themselves weak, baby, wuss, or something similar for having them.
- They scare themselves for having them, calling themselves crazy, and telling themselves that they will spin out of control if they allow themselves to have the feeling.
In reality, your feelings need their space. They need to be heard. They need to be seen in the light of day. Let’s see which are working and serving some purpose for you. Maybe this feeling worked well for you before, to help you or even protect you. Perhaps, you no longer need it for that and would like to let it go now. You can get it back later if you need it later.
Your feelings need to come out and we can respect and honor them, just as we can respect and honor your ideas and see which of those are serving you now. You may wish to change some of your ideas, too, but that’s a topic for a different day. Your painful or uncomfortable feelings, in particular, need to be allowed out and the need is as great – and the relief and benefit as great – as our need to urinate or move our bowels. How unhealthy, even painful, it would be to fight these basic biological functions.
So, dear reader, your emotions are not refuse and are not something to get ride of, banish, nullify, or even, necessarily, to change. How about this? Make friends with your feelings and accept them as they are FIRST. Then, let’s see which you want to keep, or keep handy, and which you wish to let go. Those feelings that you fear will overtake you likely will not. Moreover, you will see a shift over time. As you spend time with them, become deeply curious about them, get to know them well, and have compassion on yourself for having them, those feelings that trouble you the most will become less intense, come around less often, and unsettle you less.
Let me know how you do.
All My Best ~
Dr. Lisa
seropianL@yahoo.com
704-776-6438