You have read about and no doubt noticed the erosion of manners in our culture. I recently went to my neighborhood fast food restaurant to get my to-go coffee. One worker, I suppose a manger, was riding the cashier who in turn loudly cussed at the first worker. If I hadn’t already ordered and paid, I would have left immediately. As it was, I left as soon as I could, regretting that I had gone there at all.
What are the effects of rudeness? First, it’s distracting, even disorienting. Everyone in hearing distance has to recalibrate themselves and refocus on what they are doing. Two, it creates a negative environment that makes people want to go away (very bad for businesses). Three, it’s contagious. We have all witnessed (and likely participated in) transactions with tit-for-tat jabs that quickly devolve to a level of public behavior that illustrates our more base natures. It also forecloses on communication and connection, particularly unhelpful in a populace already disconnected and complaining of loneliness.
What are the internal effects on the individual? First, it’s stressful! Other’s rudeness causes a heightened physiological response and, for some of us, a fight or flight response. Next, it causes some people to shut down or close off, zapping spontaneity and quashing creativity. For many, it causes defensiveness and, so, is a waste of energy. And, perhaps most corrosive, it causes pessimism, maybe even cynicism, about about our fellow humans. Over time, it leads to a reduced interest in interacting with others and increases withdrawn and disconnected behavior. Sadly, it leaves one with negative feelings and depresses the emitting of happy chemicals in the brain. For aggressive people, it brings out aggression. For those who aren’t aggressive, it leaves us feeling dehumanized and diminished.
What can we do? Here’s a not-so-new idea: Stay kind in the face of rudeness. How? Since it’s easier to discuss, let’s start with the situation in which rudeness is going on around you or near you, but is not being directed at you. As you would with a misbehaving child or a vexed parent in a public place, giving a genuine smile is a good start. Engaging the person in light conversation such as “How are you doing?” or “You hanging in there okay today?” which shows human compassion, could help diffuse the situation. If you are waiting, you could allow the other(s) some space by reading for a moment. Stepping away for a moment and coming back to transact your business might also give someone an opportunity to hit their refresh button (whether they were the giver or the receiver of the rudeness). You might find that a distraction is a welcome break, eg. asking the person some question of little consequence such as “Do you know if it’s supposed to clear up later today?” Now, here is a suggestions that might be surprising: Make an empathic statement: “It gets rough out here sometimes, I bet…” or similar. That little bit of empathy might be soothing and cause a shift. Now, all of this likely seems counter-intuitive to you: “Why should I bother with all that? I’d rather stay out of it and interact as little as possible.”
Well, what if you are not a by-stander, but are the recipient of the rudeness? Most of the above behaviors can improve the situation even if you are the recipient of the rudeness. And these behaviors might keep YOU from meeting rudeness with rudeness because of the changes in YOUR brain. “But why should I be nice when I’m being wronged?” Well, let’s see…
First, it helps the other person improve, or, at least, keeps the situation from escalating. Second, it helps YOU: It builds self-control and character for you to practice returning kindness, or at least patience, to someone else’s rudeness. Third, it can cause emotional shifts and, therefore, positive changes in brain chemistry (happy chemicals rather than the stress hormones of adrenaline or cortisol) for you and for those around you.
I’m not suggesting door-mat behavior. If the rude person persists, you may well need to move away from them. You may need to set limits on them. Even that can be done without rudeness: “It seems you are having a tough time right now. Although I sympathize, I cannot allow you to treat me this way. So, let’s proceed on our best foot…” This can help the other person AND YOU to move out of a flight or fight brain mode to a more relaxed state.
Okay, but what if I am the one in a bad mood and being rude? This is the beauty of the contagiousness I mentioned: The behaviors described above will likely work for you even if you are the one struggling with your behavior. That is, the same interventions that will help the other person be less combative will help YOU self-sooth. If you are open to it, why not experiment with one of these interventions the next time you are around rudeness or are feeling like being rude. See how you feel after doing one of these interventions. How is your body? What’s happening in your emotions? Study the other person’s responses. What did you observe? Did they settle some? You could even make a game with yourself: How many rude or agitated people can you NOT join in their rudeness over the next month and instead provide a way for them to self-sooth. This counts as a self-growth experiment!
“But, why, Dr. Lisa? I’m not their mama.” No, you aren’t. But you will be being a better mama to YOU because you will be reducing YOUR stress. Also, you will have the pleasure of knowing you are doing something to slow the loss of civility in the public square of our country. And, for that, I thank you!
Best ~
Dr. Lisa Seropian
seropianL@yahoo.com