“After everything I did for you?!” This is likely what many people – parents of adult children, parent who are being shunned – are thinking and feeling. I have had these older clients in my office. If you are one of them, you are devastated, bewildered and in acute pain. Your adult kids barely communicate with you. It all seems rather sudden and abrupt. Maybe one has cut ties completely. They have pushed you away, told you that you are toxic, that you abused them, and that they need to cut you off. They don’t name specific offenses or hurtful memories, adding to your confusion and frustration. They give no details, no specific accounts to discuss, and, sometimes, no explanation at all!
Reportedly, the phenomenon is occurring not only in the United States, but in Great Britain, Asia and Europe. Many have offered explanations for the cultural trend. Some blame the older adult for having “spoiled” their kids and contributing to their being entitled and cold. Some blame our current culture of disposable everything, including relationships. Some blame the break-down of family values and the degradation of the traditional family. Some blame social media, especially those most popular with the younger generations and the trends shared there. Then there is the cultural trend of “othering” and vilifying those different from you, especially political differences, and including generational differences. Some blame the growing violence, hostility and lack of empathy so prevalent in our culture. Some blame therapy, especially bad therapy. No doubt, the reasons for the trend are multi-factorial and complex.
Whatever the causes, the older generation – the parents in this example – are reeling and in disbelief. Why is this phenomenon so shocking and offensive? One physician who had a multi-generational practice and a long-range view, D.M. Seropian, M.D., posited that the rupture is a violation of the social contract between parents and adult kids. For some time now, at least in Western culture, the unspoken contract has been “I will take care of you until you are an adult and then, later, you will take care of me.” Specifically, “I will shelter, feed, clothe, and educate you, provide your medical care, and love you, while you are dependent and vulnerable. In turn, when I am old and frail and need your help with those things, you will be there for me.”
The contract has been violated. You did your part. Maybe not perfectly. But most of you did it well enough to produce a reasonably independent, functioning adult who is making a contribution to society, and not being a drain on society. You probably are not old enough yet to need their help. But you need and want their love in the mean time. Moreover, you believed you would always have it. That was a reasonable expectation. That was the unspoken social contract. The contract has been violated; you are not getting that love. And now, it seems, you won’t be getting that help either.
So, now what? Many want to know if this is permanent. Most statistics indicate that, in most cases, it is not. That is, most of the time, the young adult recontacts the parent and re-establishes ties. However, often that is years later. In the mean time, how do you cope when you are in acute pain?
First, here is what NOT to do. Do not panic. Practice recognizing that this separation is likely a phase. You witnessed many phases as a parent raising the child. Think of this as yet another phase. Sure it may be delayed. Maybe, in fact, it IS a kind of delayed adolescent separation phase in which the long-range need is individuation and the main tool for that is rejection. And, it may be prolonged. This is where your patience comes in. You are going to have to play the long game. In the mean time…
Do NOT demand contact. Clearly the person needs and wants space. Whether you agree with it, believe it necessary, trust it, or approve it, is not really the point for this purpose. If time and space is what they need to sort themselves out and realize you are not the bad guy here, then perhaps it is best to give them that. How long is this going to take?! That is the question I get the most often in therapy about this matter. The answer is I don’t know. It’s going to take as long as it takes. You are going to need to increase your tolerance for that ambiguity…if you are to proceed with your life and ever be happy again.
Do NOT deliver gifts or offer to pay for expensive things for the grands. If the gift is accepted and there is no change in the relationship, you are going to feel even more resentful.
Do NOT beg. It is demeaning to you and, same as above, is a set up for more heart-break and more resentment.
Do NOT demand explanations. First, they may not know themselves why are they are doing this. In some ways, the reasons do not matter. This younger person needs to reckon with certain truths, namely that you were likely doing the best you knew how at the time, that your mistakes were just that, mistakes, and that you did not deliberately hurt them. Also, they apparently need time and space to realize that the world is not black and white, that people are not all good or all bad, and that everyone, even their parent, has and had strengths and weaknesses. Above all, they need to reckon with and come to realize that, in most cases, they stand to gain by being IN the relationship. They will likely also realize that having their kids – your grand-kids – be in relationship with you is an asset to those young kids as they make their way in this rather difficulty world. Whatever it is that they are currently telling themselves – and, hopefully NOT telling the grands – is THEIR business, not yours. It is best that you practice letting go of any such ruminations. That work – sorting out their reasons and deciding if they are being rational and fair or are causing unnecessary pain – is theirs; not yours. You CANNOT do it for them, much as you might want to.
So, what CAN you do?
Refrain from asking for anything, including for time together, unless he or she has expressed interest.
Next, unless they expressly stated a wish for no communication, maybe it is okay to send short notes, letting them know BRIEFLY some positive news in your life, letting them know your thought of them recently, eg. you saw something that reminded you of them or saw/heard their favorite thing, and that is all. If they ask you to stop doing that, stop.
Next, proceed with your life. Go travel, take a class, see friends, make a new friend, volunteer, practice your faith – go find one, if you haven’t one, and do the things that give your life meaning, satisfaction and joy.
Lastly, be kind to yourself. You are grieving. Forgive yourself for any large mistakes you have not yet forgiven yourself for. Be willing to look at yourself and your part in the relationship now and from the past. IF IT IS APPROPRIATE, apologize specifically for any LARGE mistakes you made that affected your child, if you haven’t already. REFRAIN from repeating that if you already did it in a heart-felt, genuine way, that matched the seriousness of the mistake. REFRAIN from apologizing in broad ways or for unknown mistakes. Such apologies are meaningless and degrading of you.
If you have never looked at yourself and your part in this relationship, including your mistakes, and taken responsibility for them, with yourself first, consider doing so. You might need a therapy group or your own individual therapy to do that. It will likely be a powerful growing experience.
Lastly, give yourself credit for all the hard work you did as a parent and for the successes you and the younger person had and are having. Give yourself credit for having honored YOUR end of the social contract. I bet you did it well, overall. Let yourself feel proud and accomplished for that. Lastly, if you need support, seek it. I do this work and would be honored to walk with you and support you in this most painful journey.
All My Best ~
Dr. Lisa
Lisa Seropian, Psy.D.
In Charlotte, North Carolina and Providing Telehealth Across State Lines to 43 States
seropianL@yahoo.com
Ph) 704-776-6438